Doctor (can I call you Doctor?) I’m lonely. I’ve ended up here and have no-one. I lie in bed, unable to sleep, I’m so alone. Anything would help. Can you suggest something?

From Desperate.

Dear Desperate,

Try signing up for OTE Internet access. They promise an 8 day delivery but over the next few weeks you’ll end up talking to most of the 3,400 staff who work in their various call centres. The numbers 121, 134, 1242, 1344, 5467, 801 111 3555, 800 119 7200, and 800 dont-phone-me, and others, will in time be burned into your brain. It’ll cost you many dozens of ‘phone calls, but they are there 24/7, and are particularly good overnight – when I did it, it made me laugh many times. Insanely, sometimes. It’s great, this therapy, as it’s free (apart from the mental cost and the monthly charges from OTE) but quite good value as they’re there for you for about 11 weeks or so, day and night.

With luck, after many weeks, they’ll book you an appointment with an engineer. He won’t turn up several times, but it will get you out and about (which is exactly what you need, by the sound of it) and after 4 or 5 days you’ll have to visit their local engineering office and bang the door down to get to see someone to explain why he hasn’t come, and then to find out that he has never been scheduled to come in the first (despite what your friends on the ‘phone assured you). And when he does come, he’ll shake his head and….refer you to one of the regular numbers you’ve probably already called.

Alternatively, try this: Go to sleep tonight with one arm tucked under your body. By morning when you wake up it’ll be numb and totally without feeling. Then, with your other arm take your numb arm and stroke yourself with it. It feels like someone else is there with you, for while. And as sensation returns, you’ll slowly remember why you decided to be alone in the first place.

I hope that helps and take care.